As my friend Max likes to say, it's been a hot minute. Meaning, any sort of time since the last time something took place. Or the amount of time it will take till the next step in whatever crazy thing all of our friends were planning on doing. This amount of time is not a stagnant amount. It vareys subject to subject. And in this instance, it's been, what...almost a year, save a couple months?
And its been a cold minute. With some very wonderful things in between.
Between my high expectations, crumbling hopes, the death of my inspiring Aunt, and lots of overtime at work, I have found myself taking a few steps forward, and a couple steps back constantly. The ups and downs have been intense this year. Through a bad living situation in my very first apartment ever that I had hoped to be perfect (Love your friends, but think hard before you live with them. Also, probably more importantly, make sure your landlord isn't crazy...that's almost impossible though. Side note - I still love my friends that I lived with. Just the math didn't add up the way we were hoping.) Through a new, supportive, respectful loving relationship with my balancing Libra man, Jay, I've been able to find some traction and consistency and adoration that I cherish with all the love I can give. Along with his family who have been rather amazing and have taken me in without skipping a beat - I have much to be grateful for that! To the friends who have stuck by my side while I have been MIA and have been also incredibly loving and supportive. Through doubts about my abilities, while not giving myself enough credit, to thinking I have it made #impostersyndrome. To long term goal setting, and being okay with where I am, otherwise I'll always be chasing happiness even when I achieve what I want.
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I also worked super hard from last January to March, in which I learned how to save money, and be responsible. I achieved the money needed to have the best 21st birthday ever in Miami with my best friends. I now know I can achieve any sort of goal that requires a bit of money in a pinch. And as planned, I am looping back around to my creative talents, and meditating on ways I can use those gifts to create some exciting and inspiring things. I now am working 30-45 hours per week instead of last year's 60-70 hours per week. (Which caused me to put writing to the side.)
A wonderful sense of peace is growing in me that I have been fostering with a practice of patience. I have been using the ability to save my money carefully, and have purchased two $2,000 lenses and a $4,500 camera (with lens). I will now be focusing on saving for a car, then a macbook pro, and ipad pro to help me with digital drawing, and to get back into video editing. Then a mountain bike, and then saving for a travel fund. Because I, much like others in this time of traveling among my friends, feel the need to explore the world around me. I also have some online courses I'd like to take throughout this time. I want to learn how to code, and how to develop an online business to allow me to work remotely. Something I've learned through my job experiences, is that I love having a job where I'm not always in the same spot, or am required to go to the same place.
My shiny gold scooter, Florence. We had some good times.
A couple of my favorite jobs where I learned this even more so about myself have been working briefly for Blue Crew, and Luxe Valet. Blue Crew allowed me to find temp jobs around the Bay Area. In one day I worked at Blue Bottle Coffee during the morning, then at night worked at Cirque Du Soleil as a bartender. For Luxe, I was a mobile Valet with a small scooter in tow, traversing the city picking up customers' cars, exploring different parts of San Francisco I'd never seen, meeting unique people, and pretty much being my own boss. It was incredibly freeing, and gave me a sense of self dependency I never had before. I could also make my own schedule, and work for however long or short I wanted to. However, both of these jobs I left disappointed. We are in the age of booming start ups, and Luxe had made a couple of detrimental mistakes which caused a huge loss in its' workforce. While Blue Crew was unfortunately not lucrative enough to be traveling all over for, and didn't have enough jobs to provide its' growing pool of employees. In the end though, I was able to learn a few things from those experiences that will help my future, which is all I could ask for.
“There is no answer, or no “I’m so sorry that happened” that will make it better besides time. ”
Moving onward from my obsessive work focus, (At least I'm honest! haha) I have also had some life changing experiences. During the Summer, my fabulous Aunt Barbie (Barbara) passed away from cancer. She was a bright, shining, starry soul who chased her dreams and always put first what made her happy. She found joy in working hard to get better at doing what she loved, and lived a rich life. I have found lots of inspiration from her while growing up. Through visiting my independent New York City Salsa Dancing Aunt, to looking through her old sketches and drawings from her days at the Fashion Institute of Technology, and even to her most gorgeous handwriting, she was grounded in herself, yet a free spirited soul, always inviting me to go on an adventure with her. Every so often since, I get a feeling that it isn't fair that she passed so young. That she was supposed to be around to see something, do something, explore something with me. I wanted to go to a Salsa club with her when I turned 21, and she was unfortunately too sick to do so. Its' something I won't ever have the chance to do, and hurts. She also used the fact that she was planning on coming to visit me in San Francisco to get her through her brain surgery. But she wasn't able to ever come visit. There is no answer, or no "I'm so sorry that happened" that will make it better besides time.
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Something incredible that I learned through that experience, is that a death isn't something that you gain really anything from positively besides learning how much of a crook life is. Although I'm usually bright and positive, that time made me become morose, and overwhelmed, and overcome with dread for each coming day. Through that difficult time, I was also dealing with a sticky situation with my apartment. My landlord was unprofessionally complaining of having anxiety attacks and back pain due to me and my roommates being burdensome. It was all situational though. Nothing was anyone's fault, but blame was slung to help either party feel better. Which was really the only way to cope with it. Everyone was in the wrong, and everyone was in the right. Apologies could make things better, and they did, but nothing got better until we all threw in the towel and moved out.
I had also mistakenly invited one of my good friends from the east coast to live with me, and help her get away from an abusive home life. This only added more problems to the stew. She had never lived on her own before, and needed a hand to hold to walk her through each step. I was beyond that ability with everything piled on top of me. I never asked her for anything, except to save up money to find her own place while she lived with me in my room. She was incapable of this basic first yet recognizably challenging first step of saving money. Resentment began to build in me (and my friends) towards her for her lack of independence and unwillingness to learn. When she proved incapable of saving money in a timely matter, I had to begin to ask her for money towards utilities to alleviate some of the stress she was causing me and my roommates by staying past the time we could accommodate for since we didn't have any extra money to house her for free. She didn't comprehend how bills worked, and I became more resentful and short tempered, yet bottled it up inside until she took the hint and found a way back to the east coast. I haven't spoken to her since. It's unfortunately something I'm okay with leaving due to a misrepresentation of what she projected herself to be, and what she actually was. I was let down, as I had thought she was what she said she was. I never really experienced anything like that before, and still don't really know what to think of it. I probably will understand in the future. I may be sounding harsh, but I'm trying to be more honest about my experiences.
In addition to these exasperations, money was also dwindling. As I needed to make my rent on time, and also spend time on the east coast with my family. It felt nearly impossible, and like all of the funds I had worked to receive were being completely depleted and I was starving for peace and clarity. My friends missed me, but I had no energy to be positive and happy. I felt as though my negativity was too much of a burden. I felt as though I was only making things worse by running away from them, but I had no energy to be social outside of work, and spending time with my boyfriend, Jay, which felt like the only thing that was working out positively and giving me something to look forward to and build upon. That time with Jay was also shamed, as a couple of my close friends hinted that they thought I was spending too much time with him. I felt guilty, and like I should make my friends happy before myself. It was yet another thing that broke me down a little more. Even writing about this now I feel the weight of all these things again. It was one of the most mentally challenging moments in my life. I was juggling so many things, and I felt as though my friends and family weren't getting enough from me which only pushed me down more.
The only thing that helped me achieve solace after only finding loose ends when I scavenged for answers, was to ask myself purely what I wanted. What did I want? What did I actually truly want, unbiased, with no input from anyone except myself? After being trained my whole life to inadvertently put others first, without making sure I was emotionally and mentally equipped first, I became a begging woman on the side of the street with next to no direction. I needed to gain wealth in myself first before being ready to give myself to others. I had to reach my child self, and give that little person in me undivided attention, like a parent who properly gives the amount of attention a child deserves to grow up with a healthy set of boundaries and confidence. The answer to my questions might damage some relationships, but it would only show which ones were the most sure and steadfast. Healthy and Relentless. Passionate and Diligent. Everything that I wanted in my life for me could be attainable and already was in me. Anything that doubted or questioned me would have to no longer be a priority. In terms of my relationships, they had to be understanding of my current situation. They had to let me be on my own for a while until things were sorted out. They had to be there for me when I needed them most. They couldn't criticize my choices in unfair ways (like I sometimes do to myself.) I needed to be my best friend, and the people I chose to be in my life needed to respect those parameters. Unfortunately some fell short. Yet that highlighted the others that were so strong, and would continue to prevail. I think those people know who they are.
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From those detrimental moments, I feel like I've mostly healed, and have a nice neat little box of all of the great things I learned. I feel like my foundation is growing stronger as I carefully lay down layer after layer. I find myself trying to relax a bit more, and give myself a break. I have an incredible support system now through Jay and his family who have been so truly amazing to let me live with them. I couldn't ask for more during this time. During my time off, and when Jay and I aren't biking, or I'm not out exploring and catching up with friends or doing photo shoots, I am reinforcing and growing my creative endeavors. I have been taking my time to back track and work on some art I've put off finishing, photos I haven't organized, edited and still need to publish, books that need to be listened to (I don't allow myself much space and time to read, so I listen instead), movies that should be watched and enjoyed, and of course, writing that needs to be done. I have lots of words to share. There are thoughts that have been on the top shelf of my mind needing to be dusted off and handed to you. Thank you for reading <3